1. |
Nicos (live)
03:04
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I went round to see Nicos
But Nicos wasn't in
So I went round the back
And rattled on his bins
I said "Nicos" (Nicos)
"Nicos" (Nicos)
"Nicos" (Nicos)
But Nicos wasn't in
I went round to see Ferenc
But Ferenc wasn't there
So I rattled on his bedroom window
Standing on a chair
I said "Ferenc" (Ferenc)
"Ferenc" (Ferenc)
"Ferenc" (Ferenc)
But Ferenc wasn't there
I went round Baskavoulla's
Baskavoulla wasn't at home
So I smashed her patio window
With her garden gnome
"Baskavoulla" (Baskavoulla)
"Baskavoulla" (Baskavoulla)
"Baskavoulla" (Baskavoulla)
Baskavoulla wasn't home
I went round Lucette Ketley's
But Lucette couldn't be had
The note said she'd gone shopping
With her mum and dad
So I kicked her alley door in
And I scrambled round the back
And I poured a can of diesel in the fertilizer sack
And I stood well back.....
(EXPLOSION)
I went off down the High Street
Against the wind and rain
The sirens mingled nicely
With the howling in my brain
I started walking faster
And I broke into a run
And when I got to my house
I thought "shit, what have I done!?"
Cos there they were all standing there
By my garden gate
Looking at their watches
As if somebody was late
Lucette Ketley (Lucette Ketley)
Baskavoulla (Baskavoulla)
Ferenc (Ferenc)
Nicos (Nicos)
They said "Where the bloody hell have you been?"
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2. |
Scruffy
02:26
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When I was a girl
I was a roughie, a toughie
A mucky puppy
Ever so scruffy
I was chubby and grubby
Shabby and scraggy
A bedraggled ramshackle
Ragamuffin
I just can't help being messy
I'm not very dressy
I prefer sloppy
Hair floppy and moppy
A tumble of jumble
A rumpled and crumpled
Tatterdemalion
I'm so scruffy
I'm so scruffy
I'm so scruffy
I'm so scruffy
In my garden
My brambles are a shambles
If you come in my car be wary
My seats are very very very very hairy
(I got a dog! and kids come in my car and have snacks n that)
You won't be surprised
Just how disorganised I am
No exaggeration
My discombobulation
I'm so untidy
Both inside and outsidey
Raggedy
I'm just a messy leaver
Oh I'm so scruffy - you can hear it!
I'm so scruffy
I'm so scruffy
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3. |
Cup-A-Soup Outrage
02:22
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Fury in the packet aisle
New recipe is truly vile
1 star ravings flood the page
The customers are filled with rage!
I used to think these cup a soups were good
I would give them zero stars if I could
New and improved is how they brand them
I used to love them now I can't stand them
Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!
Why do they have to change things?!
Why oh why did they change them ???
What are they thinking of?
What have they done?!
CHANGE IT BACK!!!!
I used to be addicted but now it is horrible
I had one every day but now it's just terrible
There's nothing worse than lumps in your drink
I had to pour mine down the sink!!
Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!
Why do they have to change things?!
Why oh why did they change them ???
What are they thinking of?
What have they done?!
DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY!!!!
I for one will not buy again
They are horrendous
Cup of thick sludgy mess
I'm sending them to the homeless
Why do they have to change things?!
Why oh why did they change them ???
What are they thinking of?
What have they done?!
DO NOT BUY!!!!
It used to have such a lovely taste
Now it's just like wallpaper paste
How did it get through testing? It's disgusting
Thoroughly utterly totally revolting
Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!
Why do they have to change things?!
Why oh why did they change them ???
What are they thinking of?
What have they done?!
AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!!
Don't even get me started on Ribena...
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4. |
If I Were A Baker (live)
04:15
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If I were a baker I'd look at you with doey eyes
If I were a cobbler I'd give you my soul
If I were a soldier I'd wrap my arms around you
If I were a roofer I'd tell you how I felt
But you work in the deli, giving me the cold shoulder
You work in the cinema, giving me the flick
You are a lollipop lady, always cross with me
You are a gardener and it's me you want to shed
But we could be butchers and meet
We could be beauticians and make up
Remember when we were cyclists and spoke?
Remember when we were chiropractors and clicked
CHORUS
I'm a caterer in the army now, I'm in a mess
A formula 1 racing driver, in the pits
I feel like a hairdresser, I could curl up and die
I work for Dynorod and I'm feeling shit
You were a checkout girl till...
You decided to be a tree surgeon and leave
You could've been a herbalist if you wanted a bit of time
If you were a doctor you'd have more patience
CHORUS
If I worked for the World Wildlife Fund, to you I'd pander
Cos I think you're a secretary and just my type
I don't wanna be a journalist and press you
But if I were a telephone operator I'd give you a ring
And we'd be engaged
I'd give you a ring and we'd be engaged
CHORUS/ we'd be engaged
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5. |
Curtains
01:12
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Happy behind the curtains
Keep the curtains drawn
Sundown comes
Draw the curtains
Too hot outside
Draw the curtains
Grey and miserable pissy weather
Draw the curtains
Put the light on
Draw the curtains
Keep that side there drawn all the time
Nosy neighbour
Out at her bins
Sneak a peek in
Keep it drawn
Keep it drawn
On my side of the curtains
Leave a crack just to spy
Passers by
Keep an eye
Watch the sky
Out there behind the curtains
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6. |
Gonna Be Alright
02:06
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He sings songs by the underground
Every day
Songs that make all the passers by
Feel it's all ok
He sings songs from yesteryear
Morning, noon and night
Songs that tell everyone who hears
It's all gonna be alright
He sings songs on the northern line
Trying to find a way
To raise some money for food to eat
And bills to pay
He sings songs from yesteryear
Morning, noon and night
Songs that tell everyone who hears
It's all gonna be alright
Coins in his guitar case
Mostly all in pence
While a smile will get you by
It doesnt pay the rent
He sings songs in the underpass
Every day
Bringing smiles to people's faces
As they go on their way
Over the years he's noticed
That though they may seem trite
The songs that pay are the songs that say
It's all gonna be alright
He sings himself a song at bedtime
When he cant sleep at night
It's all gonna be alright
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7. |
Rather Awkward
02:52
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When I first walked into the hall I didnt like it at all
I'm never comfortable in those places and all those new faces
Looking as I sat on a yoga mat
I didn't like it
I was reticent when he said follow me
And I was hesitant, wished the floor would open up and swallow me
And I felt all eyes on my thunder thighs
I really didn't like it
I'm feeling rather awkward
I'm not feeling like I think I oughta
This is supposed to be relaxing
I'm finding it extremely taxing
My inhibitions are returning
Heart skips a beat stomach churning
He's got us doing this funny breathing
And all this airy fairy stuff I can't believe in
And the mirror on the wall in the hall making me feel uneasy
All the twisting and turning making me feel queasy
Oh please, my knees
I'm feeling rather awkward
I'm not feeling like I think I oughta
This is supposed to be relaxing
Don't know how they don't do their backs in
My inhibitions are returning
Heart skips a beat stomach churning
I've had enough of this funny breathing
I'm going home now that's it I'm leaving
The instructor looks confused and he looks bemused
As I bundle up my bag and my socks and my shoes
But I leave behind my mat, I won't be needing that
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8. |
Brown Bread
05:16
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When I reach for a cigarette, first thing in the morning
I see the graphic photographs and the government health warning
"Smokers die younger, a slow and painful death"
But somehow or another we'll all draw our final breath.
One day we'll all pop our clogs
And reach our final destination
Pass over, 6 feet under, worm food,
Burial or cremation.
We'll be pushing up the daisies when we kick the bucket
Pop off, cash out and snuff it,
When we conk it, croak it, cark it
We'll be gone, late, departed
Returned to the soil
We'll bite the dust and be no more
When we shuffle off this mortal coil
Cos we're all gonna die
Without exception, every single one of us
One day it will be curtains
And we'll all be brown bread
On my bottle of wine Chief Medical Officers say
I should drink no more than 2-3 units a day
But regardless of the consequence it brings
My lifestyle keeps me safe from many things:
I am not foreseeing
Breaking my neck while skiing
I won't be dashed on the rocks below me when my bungee snaps
I am absolutely doubting
I'll fall to my death off the side of a mountain
My Indy car will not spectacularly cartwheel off the track.
I won't be ripped to pieces surfing shark infested seas
I'm never gonna fall from a trapeze
I won't get stuck while I'm potholing - deep down in a cave
That will never ever be my grave
CHORUS
But my parachute will never to fail me
The Bull that I am riding will not impale me
I won't succumb to exposure on an arctic expedition
Or on a desert trek on a camel
Or while swimming the english channel
I won't be blown to smithereens on a disastrous space mission.
I won't die after getting into difficulties on a solo trans-atlantic crossing
I won't get my lights knocked out while boxing
My horse won't ever rear up unexpectedly and crush me flat
My life will never end like that
I won't blackout at the bottom of the ocean while free diving
I won't crash into the hillside paragliding
I won't come up too quickly while deep sea diving and get the bends
That isn't how my life ends
I'm sure it would be better to be abstinent
But I won't go in a white water rafting accident
Life and death are both full of surprises
But at least I'm safe from several sad demises
Cos we're all going to die
Without exception, every single one of us
One day it will be curtains
And we'll all be brown bread
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9. |
Backspace (live)
02:11
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I want to have an argument
I want to have a fight
I want to tell you how you're wrong
And put the world to rights
I'm seeing from your facebook posts
You need to be put straight
And wouldn't my opinion
Enlighten the debate?
I word my sentence carefully
Pin down just what I mean
Then I rant and rave a bit
And proper vent my spleen
I say it how I see it
Though I know it will offend
But surely my words clear things up?
I'm ready to press send...
Backspace Backspace
Don't get Involved!
Don't get involved
You know that nothing will be solved
Backspace Backspace
Leave it alone
Keep your big nose out and your fat gob shut
And just let it go
Backspace Backspace
Really! just stop.
Back back back back back back back back
Just let it drop
I try to think more calmly
And have a look around
Then I see you've posted something
Even more unsound!
This time I can't keep quiet
And start to tap away
How dare you dare to say the things
You clearly dare to say?
Are you raving bonkers?
How can you think that way?
Let alone type it out and post it
And think that that's ok
Here's a useful link for you
Maybe you can learn
I've imparted words of wisdom
And I'm ready to hit return
Backspace Backspace
Don't get Involved!
Don't get involved
You know that nothing will be solved
Backspace Backspace
Leave it alone
Keep your big nose out and your fat gob shut
And just let it go
Backspace Backspace
Really! just stop.
Back back back back back back back back
Just let it drop
Get down off your high horse!
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10. |
My Dad Was Cars
02:12
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My dad was cars
We had a big garage
With a big fat railway sleeper work bench
Strewn with hammers and spanners, an adjustable wrench
And I don't know why but it was kind of nice
To squeeze my little fingers in the vice
Dull smell of oil
With a sweet hint of spray paint
And a linger of scorch from the welding smoke
I could bottle it and sell it as "Aroma de Bloke"
A bucket of oil shines deep bright black
And the fun that you can have on an hydraulic jack
Then there's the pit
With its black velvet carpet
You lever up the first board with the giant screwdriver
There's the T-shaped one where the pit gets wider
It's cold and damp and musty, and i'm getting mucky
But the toad might be there if I am lucky
But best of all
By the window wall
I know i'm not allowed and i've been told off before
But how can I resist the cool green jelly allure?
I take the lid off the Swarfega tin
And go "ahhhhhh" as I plunge my entire arm in
Mmmmm Swarfega
My dad was cars
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11. |
Absolument Bonkers
02:20
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"Bonjour c'est moi
Talking to you from my car
Mais oui c'est me
Online in my car on a train in a tunnel under the sea"
"What's that?!" I cry
"You mean you got wi-fi?"
Comment can that be?
Online in your car on a train in a tunnel under the sea
C'est incroyable c'est fou
Les choses that they can do
La technologie conquers
It is absolument bonkers
Tu parles avec moi
And je parle avec toi
I can't believe that you're there
En ligne dans une voiture sur le train dans un tunnel sous la mer
C'est incroyable c'est fou
Les choses that they can do
La technologie conquers
It is absolument bonkers
Online in your car on a train in a tunnel under the sea
En ligne dans une voiture sur le train dans un tunnel sous la mer
Online in your car on a train in a tunnel under the sea
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12. |
Womble (live)
04:40
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I used to have a Labrador with slobber chops and a great big soft head
(he was a lovely dog, he was)
But he's gone to Doggy Heaven now, where all good dogs go when they're dead
(ahhhh)
But now I've got a new dog - one that won't never ever die instead!
(hooray)
He doesn't need walking - He doesn't even need to be fed!
I call him Womble, Womble,
Wombling Womble - The Magnificent Imaginary Dog!!
When we go out together, Womble and I have a lark
(don't we eh?)
We play for hours with his imaginary ball in the park
(I tried him with a real one but you couldn't get the hang of it could you?)
We rough and we tumble, chase pigeons, we laugh and we bark
(raow roaw roaw)
And for a Woman Alone he's a hero when we're out in the dark!
( you should see their face right, when I say "he's trained to kill you know!"
- and of course he's not.....
but THEY DON'T KNOW THAT!)
I call him Womble, Womble,
Wombling Womble - The Magnificent Imaginary Dog!!
When he's a good boy I take him for a ride on the bus
(bus Womble! you like the bus!)
He likes meeting the passengers though they don't much like meeting us.
( That's your fault)
Then he goes under the seats an I have to get him, thus:
(Excuse me, come here Womble , sorry... can I etc...)
Then we roll in the aisle and I give him a lovely big fuss!
(Womble fuss)
Once we got arrested and sectioned on a ward for mental health.
(that was your fault, too)
There was a bloke there who had an imaginary girl dog called Elf.
(ooh remember Elf , you liked her didn't you?...)
When the section was over the doctor took the form off the shelf.....
(oooh what's he going to say, Womble?")
He said "you're free to go now - BUT -
Can I take a puppy home for myself?!"
( Yayyy)
"I'll call him Womble!"
(he named him after YOU Womble!")
Womble!
(Who's my little Daddy-Dog Womble?!")
Wombling Womble the.... magnificent... Imaginary.... Dog!!
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13. |
I Heart London
03:18
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Oh 29
There was a time
You went all the way from Victoria Station
To Enfield Town
You were mine
When I drove the 29
Drove a big red bus past the houses of parliament
And Trafalgar Square
Through the West End Theatres onto Camden
With its market stalls and walls with art on
Dr Martens, Punk Rock Tartan
I <3 London
I'll get the Gooners to their game
Then take a left and up Green Lanes
Wonder about the times it got its name now its not the same
Along the long road to suburbia
Front gardens growing herbier and herbier
I <3 London
46
through the sticks
the west side's not my best side
I was often in a fix
Farringdon to Kensal Rise
via who knows where? it's a big surprise
Hampstead Higgledy, Paddington Piggledy
I <3 London
271
Oh what fun
When the snow came down so suddenly back in '91
Sliding back down Highgate Hill
to Finsbury Square with skidpan skill
I <3 London
Once I took a number 4
where a number 4 has never been before
I <3 London...
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14. |
Socks
03:30
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(socks socks socks X6)
(odd odd odd -they're all odd!)
black socks
white socks
all kinds of coloured socks
cotton socks
rotten socks
fluffy socks
stripy socks
spotty socks
dotty socks
grey brittle grotty socks
everybody's got their favourite socks
lovely rainbow harlequin socks
socks with the colours on the heel and toe....
socks that you wonder just where did it go?
old socks
new socks
navy blue socks
oh the luxury of new socks
mmm new socks.....
holey socks!
does anybody ever still darn their socks?
socks socks socks X8
(Yeah but they're all odd
I can't find a single pair
odd socks everywhere)
thermal socks
love heart socks
christmas socks
birthday socks
cartoon socks
nerdy socks
staying in socks
going out socks
emboldening socks
socks socks socks X8
(socks are great
c'mon everyone
sing for the socks
Not enough songs about socks
where would we be without socks?)
boot socks
trainer socks
sports socks
thick socks
thin socks
medium socks
brown sock
slightly different brown sock
slightly different brown sock to the other two brown socks
trusty old socks
that you wish would last forever
socks with a honeycomb cuff
that don't dig into your calf
slipper socks
with gripper socks
days of the week socks
smelly socks
welly socks
cable socks
Argyle socks
and I don't even know whose sock this is!
socks socks socks X8
(Socks everywhere!
How many pairs of socks do you need?
How many odd socks do you need?
Most of them are odd
Where do they all go?
And where do they all come from?
I'm gonna buy some new socks
mmmm new socks)
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15. |
Bra Off Time
03:15
|
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When I get home from wherever I've been
Feels so good to be in in in in
The very first thing that is required
Is to ditch this underwired
Monstrosity
All of us women have to conform
To the sartorial social norm
Hold our assets in position
In a polyester prison
Atrocity
Time to take your bra off
Take your bra off woman
Take your bra off
Liberate your bosom
Take your bra off
Relish the relief
Take your bra off
Oh w the beautiful release
It's bra off time
And you know all the ladies say
That this is the best bit of the day
You know this feeling can't be bettered
Mounds unbound unshackled unfettered
Liberty
Remove the hooks from the eyes no fumbling
Oh how it s atisfies when boobs come tumbling
Let loose from the noose of their lacey lockers
Out they plop - flip flop emancipate your knockers
Set them free
Take your bra off
Take your bra off woman
Take your bra off
Liberate your bosom
Take your bra off
Relish the relief
Take your bra off
Oh w the beautiful release
It's bra off time
It's a pleasure beyond measure, this pressure on my bristols
Has practically turned them into crystals
So I bust out my bust and unstrap the straps
Out of the traps - break out the baps
Easy
Unrestrained out burst my melons
Uncontained they erupt like Mount St Helens
The affliction of my underwear
No restriction now - rotund n bare
Breezy
Take your bra off
Take your bra off woman
Take your bra off
Liberate your bosom
Take your bra off
Relish the relief
Take your bra off
Oh w the beautiful release
It's bra off time
Ooh ooh ooh
Shooby dooby dooby
Ooh ooh ooh
Free the boobie
There hasn't been freedom on this scale
Since Nelson Mandela was released from jail
Free-ee! free the boobie!
Take your bra off
Take your bra off woman
Take your bra off
Liberate your bosom
Take your bra off
Relish the relief
Take your bra off
Oh w the beautiful release
It's bra off time
|
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16. |
Zombie Morris Dancers
01:33
|
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There are zombie morris dancers on the village green
They leave behind the biggest mess that you have ever seen
The falling off of body parts can really leave some stains
But at least their morris dancing keeps their minds off eating brains
Shuffle to the left
Stagger to the right
Lurching forward nice and slow
Wave your hankies to and fro
At least their morris dancing keeps their minds off eating brains
Brains brains
Lovely lovely brains
Juicy oozy nmnmnmnmn Brains
Clever brains, stupid brains
Brains brains brains brains brains
At least their morris dancing keeps their minds off eating brains
|
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17. |
Ugly Duckling (live)
00:42
|
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I once was an ugly duckling
But I knew when I grew up
I'd have some transformation
I guess I was out of luck
Cos I was an ugly duckling
Then I grew up
I once was an ugly duckling
And now I'm just an ugly old duck
Ugly old duck...
|
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18. |
Let's Go Round Again
05:19
|
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We race out of school with a cry of excitement
Come gather all for the fun of the fair
The caravans and rides are set up on the common
I'd love to go with you - if you will dare
Now teacups twirl
And whirligigs whirl
The swing boats are swinging
The strong man bell dinging
And I see your face, sat upon your white horse
As the carousel comes to a pause...
I spy the glint in your eye
That says "Let's go round again"
Fly high the world spinning by
We'll go round one more time and then
We'll say my my! well doesn't time fly
When you're having fun my friend
So now let's go around one more time
Let's go around one more time
Let's go round again
Now we're sixteen and I'm an apprentice
But I still have plenty of time for you
I pick you up from your job at the dentist
The funfair is passing through
You take my hand and my heart turns to candy floss
Merry go round and round
Kisses and whispers up high on the ferris wheel
And I see your face when we're back on the ground...
I spy the glint in your eye
That says "Let's go round again"
Fly high the world drifting by
We'll go round one more time and then
We'll say my my! well doesn't time fly
When you're having fun my friend
So now let's go around one more time
Let's go around one more time
Let's go round again
Two years is plenty for an engagement
We will be married soon
Wedding bells ring and I'm filled with amazement
The band starts playing our tune
We spin around, the first dance on the dance floor
So happy in life with all we could ask for
Let's stay here forever just dancing together
I see your face as the music ends...
I spy
The glint in your eye
That says "Let's go round again"
Fly high
The world spinning by
We'll go round one more time and then
We'll say my my
My sweet honey pie
We're having such fun my friend
So now let's go around one more time
Let's go around one more time
Let's go round again
We sit in the day room, old and tired
But I'm happy to spend all my time with you
Can it be 30 years since we retired?
We sit reminiscing, oh how the time flew
Tears fill your eyes as you turn to face me
"Didn't we have a ball?"
Time stands still as your arms embrace me
And the look in your eyes says it all...
I spy
The glint in your eye
That says "Let's go round again"
My my
How life rushes by
When you're having fun my friend
Soon we'll say bye bye
My sweet honey pie
Now we're nearly at the end
Can't we just go around one more time
Please can we go one more time?
Let's go round again
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Wobbie Wobbit London, UK
Convivial humour and unique songs
From Haringey in North London. I take part in online song writing challenges
fawm.org and fiftyninety.fawmers.org where most of my songs are written.
Most of my songs have at least a gentle humour, and those that don't I hope are just as warm.
... more
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