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A Tasty Slice

by Wobbie Wobbit

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1.
Nicos (live) 03:04
I went round to see Nicos But Nicos wasn't in So I went round the back And rattled on his bins I said "Nicos" (Nicos) "Nicos" (Nicos) "Nicos" (Nicos) But Nicos wasn't in I went round to see Ferenc But Ferenc wasn't there So I rattled on his bedroom window Standing on a chair I said "Ferenc" (Ferenc) "Ferenc" (Ferenc) "Ferenc" (Ferenc) But Ferenc wasn't there I went round Baskavoulla's Baskavoulla wasn't at home So I smashed her patio window With her garden gnome "Baskavoulla" (Baskavoulla) "Baskavoulla" (Baskavoulla) "Baskavoulla" (Baskavoulla) Baskavoulla wasn't home I went round Lucette Ketley's But Lucette couldn't be had The note said she'd gone shopping With her mum and dad So I kicked her alley door in And I scrambled round the back And I poured a can of diesel in the fertilizer sack And I stood well back..... (EXPLOSION) I went off down the High Street Against the wind and rain The sirens mingled nicely With the howling in my brain I started walking faster And I broke into a run And when I got to my house I thought "shit, what have I done!?" Cos there they were all standing there By my garden gate Looking at their watches As if somebody was late Lucette Ketley (Lucette Ketley) Baskavoulla (Baskavoulla) Ferenc (Ferenc) Nicos (Nicos) They said "Where the bloody hell have you been?"
2.
Scruffy 02:26
When I was a girl I was a roughie, a toughie A mucky puppy Ever so scruffy I was chubby and grubby Shabby and scraggy A bedraggled ramshackle Ragamuffin I just can't help being messy I'm not very dressy I prefer sloppy Hair floppy and moppy A tumble of jumble A rumpled and crumpled Tatterdemalion I'm so scruffy I'm so scruffy I'm so scruffy I'm so scruffy In my garden My brambles are a shambles If you come in my car be wary My seats are very very very very hairy (I got a dog! and kids come in my car and have snacks n that) You won't be surprised Just how disorganised I am No exaggeration My discombobulation I'm so untidy Both inside and outsidey Raggedy I'm just a messy leaver Oh I'm so scruffy - you can hear it! I'm so scruffy I'm so scruffy
3.
Fury in the packet aisle New recipe is truly vile 1 star ravings flood the page The customers are filled with rage! I used to think these cup a soups were good I would give them zero stars if I could New and improved is how they brand them I used to love them now I can't stand them Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Why do they have to change things?! Why oh why did they change them ??? What are they thinking of? What have they done?! CHANGE IT BACK!!!! I used to be addicted but now it is horrible I had one every day but now it's just terrible There's nothing worse than lumps in your drink I had to pour mine down the sink!! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Why do they have to change things?! Why oh why did they change them ??? What are they thinking of? What have they done?! DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY!!!! I for one will not buy again They are horrendous Cup of thick sludgy mess I'm sending them to the homeless Why do they have to change things?! Why oh why did they change them ??? What are they thinking of? What have they done?! DO NOT BUY!!!! It used to have such a lovely taste Now it's just like wallpaper paste How did it get through testing? It's disgusting Thoroughly utterly totally revolting Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Why do they have to change things?! Why oh why did they change them ??? What are they thinking of? What have they done?! AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!! Don't even get me started on Ribena...
4.
If I were a baker I'd look at you with doey eyes If I were a cobbler I'd give you my soul If I were a soldier I'd wrap my arms around you If I were a roofer I'd tell you how I felt But you work in the deli, giving me the cold shoulder You work in the cinema, giving me the flick You are a lollipop lady, always cross with me You are a gardener and it's me you want to shed But we could be butchers and meet We could be beauticians and make up Remember when we were cyclists and spoke? Remember when we were chiropractors and clicked CHORUS I'm a caterer in the army now, I'm in a mess A formula 1 racing driver, in the pits I feel like a hairdresser, I could curl up and die I work for Dynorod and I'm feeling shit You were a checkout girl till... You decided to be a tree surgeon and leave You could've been a herbalist if you wanted a bit of time If you were a doctor you'd have more patience CHORUS If I worked for the World Wildlife Fund, to you I'd pander Cos I think you're a secretary and just my type I don't wanna be a journalist and press you But if I were a telephone operator I'd give you a ring And we'd be engaged I'd give you a ring and we'd be engaged CHORUS/ we'd be engaged
5.
Curtains 01:12
Happy behind the curtains Keep the curtains drawn Sundown comes Draw the curtains Too hot outside Draw the curtains Grey and miserable pissy weather Draw the curtains Put the light on Draw the curtains Keep that side there drawn all the time Nosy neighbour Out at her bins Sneak a peek in Keep it drawn Keep it drawn On my side of the curtains Leave a crack just to spy Passers by Keep an eye Watch the sky Out there behind the curtains
6.
He sings songs by the underground Every day Songs that make all the passers by Feel it's all ok He sings songs from yesteryear Morning, noon and night Songs that tell everyone who hears It's all gonna be alright He sings songs on the northern line Trying to find a way To raise some money for food to eat And bills to pay He sings songs from yesteryear Morning, noon and night Songs that tell everyone who hears It's all gonna be alright Coins in his guitar case Mostly all in pence While a smile will get you by It doesnt pay the rent He sings songs in the underpass Every day Bringing smiles to people's faces As they go on their way Over the years he's noticed That though they may seem trite The songs that pay are the songs that say It's all gonna be alright He sings himself a song at bedtime When he cant sleep at night It's all gonna be alright
7.
When I first walked into the hall I didnt like it at all I'm never comfortable in those places and all those new faces Looking as I sat on a yoga mat I didn't like it I was reticent when he said follow me And I was hesitant, wished the floor would open up and swallow me And I felt all eyes on my thunder thighs I really didn't like it I'm feeling rather awkward I'm not feeling like I think I oughta This is supposed to be relaxing I'm finding it extremely taxing My inhibitions are returning Heart skips a beat stomach churning He's got us doing this funny breathing And all this airy fairy stuff I can't believe in And the mirror on the wall in the hall making me feel uneasy All the twisting and turning making me feel queasy Oh please, my knees I'm feeling rather awkward I'm not feeling like I think I oughta This is supposed to be relaxing Don't know how they don't do their backs in My inhibitions are returning Heart skips a beat stomach churning I've had enough of this funny breathing I'm going home now that's it I'm leaving The instructor looks confused and he looks bemused As I bundle up my bag and my socks and my shoes But I leave behind my mat, I won't be needing that
8.
Brown Bread 05:16
When I reach for a cigarette, first thing in the morning I see the graphic photographs and the government health warning "Smokers die younger, a slow and painful death" But somehow or another we'll all draw our final breath. One day we'll all pop our clogs And reach our final destination Pass over, 6 feet under, worm food, Burial or cremation. We'll be pushing up the daisies when we kick the bucket Pop off, cash out and snuff it, When we conk it, croak it, cark it We'll be gone, late, departed Returned to the soil We'll bite the dust and be no more When we shuffle off this mortal coil Cos we're all gonna die Without exception, every single one of us One day it will be curtains And we'll all be brown bread On my bottle of wine Chief Medical Officers say I should drink no more than 2-3 units a day But regardless of the consequence it brings My lifestyle keeps me safe from many things: I am not foreseeing Breaking my neck while skiing I won't be dashed on the rocks below me when my bungee snaps I am absolutely doubting I'll fall to my death off the side of a mountain My Indy car will not spectacularly cartwheel off the track. I won't be ripped to pieces surfing shark infested seas I'm never gonna fall from a trapeze I won't get stuck while I'm potholing - deep down in a cave That will never ever be my grave CHORUS But my parachute will never to fail me The Bull that I am riding will not impale me I won't succumb to exposure on an arctic expedition Or on a desert trek on a camel Or while swimming the english channel I won't be blown to smithereens on a disastrous space mission. I won't die after getting into difficulties on a solo trans-atlantic crossing I won't get my lights knocked out while boxing My horse won't ever rear up unexpectedly and crush me flat My life will never end like that I won't blackout at the bottom of the ocean while free diving I won't crash into the hillside paragliding I won't come up too quickly while deep sea diving and get the bends That isn't how my life ends I'm sure it would be better to be abstinent But I won't go in a white water rafting accident Life and death are both full of surprises But at least I'm safe from several sad demises Cos we're all going to die Without exception, every single one of us One day it will be curtains And we'll all be brown bread
9.
I want to have an argument I want to have a fight I want to tell you how you're wrong And put the world to rights I'm seeing from your facebook posts You need to be put straight And wouldn't my opinion Enlighten the debate? I word my sentence carefully Pin down just what I mean Then I rant and rave a bit And proper vent my spleen I say it how I see it Though I know it will offend But surely my words clear things up? I'm ready to press send... Backspace Backspace Don't get Involved! Don't get involved You know that nothing will be solved Backspace Backspace Leave it alone Keep your big nose out and your fat gob shut And just let it go Backspace Backspace Really! just stop. Back back back back back back back back Just let it drop I try to think more calmly And have a look around Then I see you've posted something Even more unsound! This time I can't keep quiet And start to tap away How dare you dare to say the things You clearly dare to say? Are you raving bonkers? How can you think that way? Let alone type it out and post it And think that that's ok Here's a useful link for you Maybe you can learn I've imparted words of wisdom And I'm ready to hit return Backspace Backspace Don't get Involved! Don't get involved You know that nothing will be solved Backspace Backspace Leave it alone Keep your big nose out and your fat gob shut And just let it go Backspace Backspace Really! just stop. Back back back back back back back back Just let it drop Get down off your high horse!
10.
My dad was cars We had a big garage With a big fat railway sleeper work bench Strewn with hammers and spanners, an adjustable wrench And I don't know why but it was kind of nice To squeeze my little fingers in the vice Dull smell of oil With a sweet hint of spray paint And a linger of scorch from the welding smoke I could bottle it and sell it as "Aroma de Bloke" A bucket of oil shines deep bright black And the fun that you can have on an hydraulic jack Then there's the pit With its black velvet carpet You lever up the first board with the giant screwdriver There's the T-shaped one where the pit gets wider It's cold and damp and musty, and i'm getting mucky But the toad might be there if I am lucky But best of all By the window wall I know i'm not allowed and i've been told off before But how can I resist the cool green jelly allure? I take the lid off the Swarfega tin And go "ahhhhhh" as I plunge my entire arm in Mmmmm Swarfega My dad was cars
11.
"Bonjour c'est moi Talking to you from my car Mais oui c'est me Online in my car on a train in a tunnel under the sea" "What's that?!" I cry "You mean you got wi-fi?" Comment can that be? Online in your car on a train in a tunnel under the sea C'est incroyable c'est fou Les choses that they can do La technologie conquers It is absolument bonkers Tu parles avec moi And je parle avec toi I can't believe that you're there En ligne dans une voiture sur le train dans un tunnel sous la mer C'est incroyable c'est fou Les choses that they can do La technologie conquers It is absolument bonkers Online in your car on a train in a tunnel under the sea En ligne dans une voiture sur le train dans un tunnel sous la mer Online in your car on a train in a tunnel under the sea
12.
I used to have a Labrador with slobber chops and a great big soft head (he was a lovely dog, he was) But he's gone to Doggy Heaven now, where all good dogs go when they're dead (ahhhh) But now I've got a new dog - one that won't never ever die instead! (hooray) He doesn't need walking - He doesn't even need to be fed! I call him Womble, Womble, Wombling Womble - The Magnificent Imaginary Dog!! When we go out together, Womble and I have a lark (don't we eh?) We play for hours with his imaginary ball in the park (I tried him with a real one but you couldn't get the hang of it could you?) We rough and we tumble, chase pigeons, we laugh and we bark (raow roaw roaw) And for a Woman Alone he's a hero when we're out in the dark! ( you should see their face right, when I say "he's trained to kill you know!" - and of course he's not..... but THEY DON'T KNOW THAT!) I call him Womble, Womble, Wombling Womble - The Magnificent Imaginary Dog!! When he's a good boy I take him for a ride on the bus (bus Womble! you like the bus!) He likes meeting the passengers though they don't much like meeting us. ( That's your fault) Then he goes under the seats an I have to get him, thus: (Excuse me, come here Womble , sorry... can I etc...) Then we roll in the aisle and I give him a lovely big fuss! (Womble fuss) Once we got arrested and sectioned on a ward for mental health. (that was your fault, too) There was a bloke there who had an imaginary girl dog called Elf. (ooh remember Elf , you liked her didn't you?...) When the section was over the doctor took the form off the shelf..... (oooh what's he going to say, Womble?") He said "you're free to go now - BUT - Can I take a puppy home for myself?!" ( Yayyy) "I'll call him Womble!" (he named him after YOU Womble!") Womble! (Who's my little Daddy-Dog Womble?!") Wombling Womble the.... magnificent... Imaginary.... Dog!!
13.
Oh 29 There was a time You went all the way from Victoria Station To Enfield Town You were mine When I drove the 29 Drove a big red bus past the houses of parliament And Trafalgar Square Through the West End Theatres onto Camden With its market stalls and walls with art on Dr Martens, Punk Rock Tartan I <3 London I'll get the Gooners to their game Then take a left and up Green Lanes Wonder about the times it got its name now its not the same Along the long road to suburbia Front gardens growing herbier and herbier I <3 London 46 through the sticks the west side's not my best side I was often in a fix Farringdon to Kensal Rise via who knows where? it's a big surprise Hampstead Higgledy, Paddington Piggledy I <3 London 271 Oh what fun When the snow came down so suddenly back in '91 Sliding back down Highgate Hill to Finsbury Square with skidpan skill I <3 London Once I took a number 4 where a number 4 has never been before I <3 London...
14.
Socks 03:30
(socks socks socks X6) (odd odd odd -they're all odd!) black socks white socks all kinds of coloured socks cotton socks rotten socks fluffy socks stripy socks spotty socks dotty socks grey brittle grotty socks everybody's got their favourite socks lovely rainbow harlequin socks socks with the colours on the heel and toe.... socks that you wonder just where did it go? old socks new socks navy blue socks oh the luxury of new socks mmm new socks..... holey socks! does anybody ever still darn their socks? socks socks socks X8 (Yeah but they're all odd I can't find a single pair odd socks everywhere) thermal socks love heart socks christmas socks birthday socks cartoon socks nerdy socks staying in socks going out socks emboldening socks socks socks socks X8 (socks are great c'mon everyone sing for the socks Not enough songs about socks where would we be without socks?) boot socks trainer socks sports socks thick socks thin socks medium socks brown sock slightly different brown sock slightly different brown sock to the other two brown socks trusty old socks that you wish would last forever socks with a honeycomb cuff that don't dig into your calf slipper socks with gripper socks days of the week socks smelly socks welly socks cable socks Argyle socks and I don't even know whose sock this is! socks socks socks X8 (Socks everywhere! How many pairs of socks do you need? How many odd socks do you need? Most of them are odd Where do they all go? And where do they all come from? I'm gonna buy some new socks mmmm new socks)
15.
Bra Off Time 03:15
When I get home from wherever I've been Feels so good to be in in in in The very first thing that is required Is to ditch this underwired Monstrosity All of us women have to conform To the sartorial social norm Hold our assets in position In a polyester prison Atrocity Time to take your bra off Take your bra off woman Take your bra off Liberate your bosom Take your bra off Relish the relief Take your bra off Oh w the beautiful release It's bra off time And you know all the ladies say That this is the best bit of the day You know this feeling can't be bettered Mounds unbound unshackled unfettered Liberty Remove the hooks from the eyes no fumbling Oh how it s atisfies when boobs come tumbling Let loose from the noose of their lacey lockers Out they plop - flip flop emancipate your knockers Set them free Take your bra off Take your bra off woman Take your bra off Liberate your bosom Take your bra off Relish the relief Take your bra off Oh w the beautiful release It's bra off time It's a pleasure beyond measure, this pressure on my bristols Has practically turned them into crystals So I bust out my bust and unstrap the straps Out of the traps - break out the baps Easy Unrestrained out burst my melons Uncontained they erupt like Mount St Helens The affliction of my underwear No restriction now - rotund n bare Breezy Take your bra off Take your bra off woman Take your bra off Liberate your bosom Take your bra off Relish the relief Take your bra off Oh w the beautiful release It's bra off time Ooh ooh ooh Shooby dooby dooby Ooh ooh ooh Free the boobie There hasn't been freedom on this scale Since Nelson Mandela was released from jail Free-ee! free the boobie! Take your bra off Take your bra off woman Take your bra off Liberate your bosom Take your bra off Relish the relief Take your bra off Oh w the beautiful release It's bra off time
16.
There are zombie morris dancers on the village green They leave behind the biggest mess that you have ever seen The falling off of body parts can really leave some stains But at least their morris dancing keeps their minds off eating brains Shuffle to the left Stagger to the right Lurching forward nice and slow Wave your hankies to and fro At least their morris dancing keeps their minds off eating brains Brains brains Lovely lovely brains Juicy oozy nmnmnmnmn Brains Clever brains, stupid brains Brains brains brains brains brains At least their morris dancing keeps their minds off eating brains
17.
I once was an ugly duckling But I knew when I grew up I'd have some transformation I guess I was out of luck Cos I was an ugly duckling Then I grew up I once was an ugly duckling And now I'm just an ugly old duck Ugly old duck...
18.
We race out of school with a cry of excitement Come gather all for the fun of the fair The caravans and rides are set up on the common I'd love to go with you - if you will dare Now teacups twirl And whirligigs whirl The swing boats are swinging The strong man bell dinging And I see your face, sat upon your white horse As the carousel comes to a pause... I spy the glint in your eye That says "Let's go round again" Fly high the world spinning by We'll go round one more time and then We'll say my my! well doesn't time fly When you're having fun my friend So now let's go around one more time Let's go around one more time Let's go round again Now we're sixteen and I'm an apprentice But I still have plenty of time for you I pick you up from your job at the dentist The funfair is passing through You take my hand and my heart turns to candy floss Merry go round and round Kisses and whispers up high on the ferris wheel And I see your face when we're back on the ground... I spy the glint in your eye That says "Let's go round again" Fly high the world drifting by We'll go round one more time and then We'll say my my! well doesn't time fly When you're having fun my friend So now let's go around one more time Let's go around one more time Let's go round again Two years is plenty for an engagement We will be married soon Wedding bells ring and I'm filled with amazement The band starts playing our tune We spin around, the first dance on the dance floor So happy in life with all we could ask for Let's stay here forever just dancing together I see your face as the music ends... I spy The glint in your eye That says "Let's go round again" Fly high The world spinning by We'll go round one more time and then We'll say my my My sweet honey pie We're having such fun my friend So now let's go around one more time Let's go around one more time Let's go round again We sit in the day room, old and tired But I'm happy to spend all my time with you Can it be 30 years since we retired? We sit reminiscing, oh how the time flew Tears fill your eyes as you turn to face me "Didn't we have a ball?" Time stands still as your arms embrace me And the look in your eyes says it all... I spy The glint in your eye That says "Let's go round again" My my How life rushes by When you're having fun my friend Soon we'll say bye bye My sweet honey pie Now we're nearly at the end Can't we just go around one more time Please can we go one more time? Let's go round again

about

A Tasty Slice of Wobbie Wobbit


Ingredients: Humour, Singalong, Sentimentality.

Contains Live Recordings, simple acoustic and full productions, old favourites and brand new material.

From gentle songs to punky songs, from sublime to ridiculous.
Guaranteed 100% Wobbie Wobbit.

Serving Suggestion: Serve alone or with friends, delicious at home or in the car.

Live tracks recorded Live at The Performance Club, Burdall's Yard, Bath
30th October 2018

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released March 5, 2019

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about

Wobbie Wobbit London, UK

Convivial humour and unique songs
From Haringey in North London. I take part in online song writing challenges fawm.org and fiftyninety.fawmers.org where most of my songs are written.
Most of my songs have at least a gentle humour, and those that don't I hope are just as warm.
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